Black owned beauty companies

Here is a list of beauty companies I know of. This is the perfect time to check them out since the holidays are coming up! You can add it to your Christmas wishlist or buy some for your loved ones :) I added stars next to the ones I've personally used and endorse. If you know of more, leave a comment and I'll add it. I may even put this last as a sidebar on the blog.

Hair:

darcy's botanicals*

oyin handmade*

shea moisture*

dudley hair care

jane carter solutions

ohemet biologics

komaza hair care*

bee mine

products of the earth

Skin:

dermHA

Vienna's Herbal

Warm Spirit

Skin Salon Gold

Rx for Brown Skin*

Clear Essence

Soul Purpose

Emily Jayne (butters)

Belle Butters

Cosmetics:

iman*

fashion fair*

black opal*

ada cosmetics

shany

lamik

vera moore cosmetics*** (my fav!)

blackup*

Hello there!

I took a much needed break from social media and this blog! After reading blogposts, facebook statuses and tweets from self-proclaimed bwe writers and supporters, I found myself becoming very bitter, angry and just all around unhappy. Some of these posts are thought provoking while some of them are just depressing. I began to feel that BW are equally as DBR as BM and that there's no point in continuing to blog about it. But the emails from you sweet ladies made me feel better! :)

However, I urge you to be careful of the forums, groups, and pages that you visit because after a while you cannot help but to believe the things people write. That and people can be cruel on the internet. You do not need to ingest negativity no matter who the source is!

For instance, I believe BW nowadays should focus on themselves and creating their best life possible! We have a lot of work to do as a collective to restore our honor and take care of ourselves. Obesity, unemployment, poverty, etc. are all heavy issues that will take some strategic planning and TIME to overcome. Now while I encourage BW to find husbands that are loving and good providers, I do not look down on single black mothers. I know things do not always work out as planned. Men leave, they change. It happens. Even if a woman has several children by several fathers, there is almost always some history of sexual abuse and mental illness in her past. This needs to be addressed and not ignored! Instead of posting pictures of single mothers and ranting about "the struggle" and how black women are addicted to it, why don't we offer resources for young black girls so they won't turn out like this!? Why do people go on and on about what BW need to do without actually giving advice on how to NOT do it!? It's very frustrating because these so called bwe pages/sites sound just like black men who talk about us! It's very sad and I feel like because of this the term "bwe" is no longer about being empowered but just upwardly-mobile BW to brag about how much better their lives are than "struggle mammies".

So I'm back from my hiatus and have some posts that I'm writing in time for the holidays. I hope your Halloween was fun and safe! I hosted a party at my home for the first time and it turned out fantastic. I quit my awful job and took an internship in child protective services but that was very depressing so I'm now unemployed. I get an allowance from my husband so I can continue to keep my nails, hair and wardobe looking nice. I'm just concentrating on finishing by bachelor's in Business so I can go to beauty school. My dream is to own a chain of full-service spas that specialize in ethnic skin/hair (the holistic approach of course, no botox injections lol). I have made some future-dermatologist friends on campus who are interested in it as well! You never know where the world will take you :)

Enjoy your Sunday and I look forward to posting again soon.

xoxo

On Being Defensive

Thank you for the emails with suggestions. I look forward to making more posts and to hearing from you all. I have made a list of what you want to read and I will do my best to get them out in a timely manner. Here is something I wrote while bored in my history class last quarter (I HATE HISTORY BY THE WAY lol.)
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"Minds are like parachutes, they work better when they are open."

I observe BW. Online and in person. I not only observe what people say about BW but what BW say to themselves, to other people, about themselves, about other ppl, about other BW, etc. and I have noticed that it is very VERY easy to upset a BW! Not only is it easy but for some people it is fun. Yes, seeing a BW go off is a source of entertainment for some. I know there are people who lurk BW-centered FB pages and blogs and find it entertaining all the crazy stuff people talk about. "BM only like light skinned/white women!" "BM made me feel bad my whole life, I hate BM!" It's drama and it's useless to be honest because what is the point in sharing your pain with the world? The world doesn't deserve to see it because they don't know how to handle it! Our position as BW is a unique one. Very few people (writers, poets, singers) have expressed it accurately so society does not understand or care. Your pain, anger, inner turmoil should be reserved for a professional who can help you get rid of it and understand it, such a psychiatrist or a therapist. Someone who can help you grow and function well enough that you are achieving your goals and dreams.

But anyway...

Don't let your defensiveness get in the way of getting what you want! I have noticed that many BW emotionally over-respond especially online. It is best to STOP being defensive and learn to grab opportunities while they are around and IGNORE things that do not apply to you. You can be offended by something and not respond!

I say continue to read and study materials that will help you (dating, fitness, financial) even if they don't focus on you or if they say something that you don't agree with because the information is what you want, not the attention or the coddling. You don't have to agree with everything, not everyone has the same views as you and that's okay as long as you get what you need from it.

There is a dating blog from a guy's perspective that I like. He is genuinely trying to help women. I find his advice spot on but on one post he said that BW's beautiful bodies and other features make up for "imperfect hair". In the comment section there were BW who are upset with the term he used. While I don't agree with the way he said it, I respect his opinion. WHY? Because I don't expect a WM who has never (as far as I know) dated a BW to appreciate our natural hair. He said straight hair looks better on all women which is what a lot of American men think. They grew up with sexualized tv ads and magazines shoving European beauty standards down their throat so of course that's what they want! I feel like Americans are brainwashed in some sort of way but that's for another day ;) While I think straight long hair can look great on some BW depending on her bone structure, it's not the best style for everyone. I think hair is a touchy subject for most BW and we shouldn't get mad at others for not understanding how much of a big deal it is. Hair topics always strike a nerve with BW and I understand completely. We have a reason to be upset over being judged by something we were conditioned to hate and see in a bad light. Most of us were permed and hot combed at an age too young to know what was going on. But guess what? Other people don't have this experience and don't understand why it's such a big deal so when you get upset or go off they don't understand that either and will get defensive as well. My advice is to remind yourself of our unique position in society and give other people the benefit of the doubt when they are misinformed or say something ignorant.

BE OPEN to knowledge and advice from all places and viewpoints because there is always something you can take away from it. The easiest way for me is to think of myself is as a project. I made a list of things I wanted to change about myself, a list of criticism I have heard from other people and a list of things possessed by the ideal woman I want to be. I suggest making one for yourself. Once you understand what you need to improve on and why as well as the benefits of improvement, you will feel less self-conscious and when someone brings up your weakness (even in a rude way)  you will think to yourself (I already know and I'm working on it!). You won't get defensive and will respond in a classy way instead of with anger.

Ex:
Random woman in Target: "You are too young to have a belly, girl. I wouldn't let my daughter let herself go like that"
You:"B&%^$  you don't know me! You are so rude, who do you think you are!?"

or

Random woman in Target:  "You are too young to have a belly, girl. I wouldn't let my daughter let herself go like that"
You: "Well, I've been working out lately and can't wait to see the results! What does your daughter do to stay fit? I'd love to know *smiles*"
Random woman: *confused that they weren't cursed out* *walks away*

Now that example is a little silly but I've seen similar interactions. People who are rude towards BW aren't just racist people but anyone who is aware how easy it is to tick off a BW. It's a source of entertainment for some, unfortunately. While I don't believe we can prevent people from coming at us sideways, we can change the way we react to it. Not only does it deter those people from attempting to make you uncomfortable again, but also lets potential dates or platonic friends from both genders know that you are kind, non-argumentative, open-minded and even-tempered. Who wants to be friends with someone who gets upset easily?

You may be thinking, what does it matter what other people think, only what I think of myself matters! That's not the whole truth. You should be content with yourself but what other certain people think does matter because friends are important, your relationship with your boss and colleagues are important, your relationship with your landlord is important, etc. Your attitude and ability to interact with people contribute to your reputation and trust me, a woman who cannot hold her temper, take constructive criticism, ignore and/ or deflect shade determines your ability to network and move ahead. No one wants to be around someone who is hyper-sensitive and is a ticking time bomb for a temper tantrum.

And if that person's comment doesn't pertain to you or isn't true, you can brush it off your shoulders. Believe it or not, bullying doesn't end in middle school. There are grown people walking around with a chip on their shoulders and they go out of their way to be rude and insult others. Being mean makes some people feel good. It's not your fault at all so just brush it off your beautiful shoulders and don't take it personally :)

The biggest hurdle in self-improvement is being strong enough to look inside yourself and be honest. I have faith that you can improve yourself even though I don't know you. How? Because the simple fact that you are reading this blog and others shows that you are interested in letting go, engaging with other BW, learning and setting goals for yourself and moving forward.

The point of this post is to say that when you take offense to something very easily it is because you are over- sensitive to it. You have a vested interest in it and that is holding you back from seeing the truth and reacting accordingly. Your personal goal should be to recognize when this is happening and nip it in the bud. When you feel yourself getting upset, remind yourself that your emotions can make you react in the wrong way and that if you think more logically at this time, you can get a better reaction and diffuse the situation. I would like to see more of my Black/biracial sisters react to haters in a more confident, controlled and even playful way. The next time someone says something rude to you just take a deep breath and smile, even if you are angry! Show your pretty smile and either say nothing at all or something polite and vague. "You think so? Interesting...." Then sashay away ^_^

Talk to you all tomorrow!
xoxo

Still here

I just took my last final of the quarter a couple weeks ago and took a week-long vacation with my husband. I finally settled in to my summer internship and am ready to come back and publish more posts! I have some drafted up and need to finish them up but I would also like to know what you want to read.

I have gotten a few comments about more femininity posts as well as nutrition. Please leave a comment or shoot me an email if you'd like to request something. Remember, I am not a professional (yet) but I do have quite a bit of experience in a multitude of things (immigration, military, work, volunteering, dating, etc) and am a voracious reader. Actually, I went camping during spring break and learned quite a bit on herbs and safety in the wild, so I wrote down to make a post on that.

Anyway, I look forward to connecting with you ladies more and hope to hear from you!

My email is enlightenedfemme (at) gmail.com

xoxo

A note about "swirling" and dating in general

This quarter was very intense and that is why I update so sporadically. I can't promise to post more often but I will be spending spring break making posts and hopefully put them on a posting schedule. I don't want to come across insensitive or lacking in empathy but I have something that I would like to have a conversation about something:

There is an article of a BW moaning about having a hard time dating online. She sounded depressed, disappointed and insecure that she had no luck. While I feel bad that she is having a hard time, I am kind of annoyed with articles like this because they make us BW look desperate and it doesn't solve anything! What is the point? To make people feel bad enough for you to date you? And this isn't the only one either. I see it all the time on tumblr. BW whining about being unwanted and sometimes disrespected while searching for a partner. Now I can empathize with some of these girls because I know how hard it was to find a suitable partner. I'm not going to sugar coat things. Dating in general is hard but swirling is even harder because not only do you have to vet out the users, cheaters and abusers but also the undercover racists, men with fetishes or the ones who just want to experiment or use BW as a back up plan. Do you know what is more unattractive than a woman who is morbidly obese, crude or boring? An insecure woman with a victim complex who is going to bitch and moan over something that can be changed. Am I saying this is all her fault? No! I'm saying that it makes you look bad to complain on a public platform about something that happens to thousands of women every day. Learn how to accept rejection and move on. See what you could do differently and take another approach to reach your goal. Online dating not working out? Try actually leaving your home. My friends and I had more successful love lives when we got off the computer and into actual settings that put us in the position to mingle with high-quality men.

The thing is, people are watching and paying attention. They are noticing that not only are BW opening up their dating options (a good thing) but some are desperate enough to accept anything that's not black (every seen a single black mom with a swarm of mixed-race babies and no ring?). I saw it myself years ago when I joined an online dating website after being stationed at a new base. This guy wrote on his profile that he is not worried about having to put up with a WW's bullshit because knows there are many many asian and black women who are at his beck-and-call. *eye roll* I've also been approached by an underemployed man with bad hygiene who expected me to just give him a chance because most BW never marry anyway and he's "willing" to date me. LMFAO! I just giggled and acted like he never said it. So because there's a chance that we never marry that we are supposed to lower our standards? Heck no...

Dating, unfortunately, is a game. A hard game and it takes a lot of research, practicing and strategy to master it. Everyone faces rejection in one way or another. As BW, who some see as the bottom of the totem pole, rejection is inevitable. Some people are downright cruel. I found a fitness forum that had a "general discussion" section and a recent thread was of a young WM asking ppl what to put in his free dating profile so that BW would stop sending him messages. Do you know what the responses were? To be as cruel and nasty as he wanted to be to these women because they are over stepping a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. How dare they think they are good enough for him! Why should he date a girl who's hair he couldn't even run his hands through? He even posted screenshots of the messages he got (which weren't inappropriate or strange, just regular friendly/flirty) and they all laughed at them and even decided to make accounts just to troll these women. SMH it made me furious! But then I reminded myself that this is the internet, where people show their hidden colors.  Now I don't think all non-BM are racist and cruel but I just don't want young BW to think that because a few BW celebrities successfully swirled that it is easy-peasy. In fact, you may find that you find a suitable BM to be courted by and marry! You never know!

As much as I advocate for BW to expand their dating options, I want BW to be realistic. Swirling is not all rainbows and lollipops and it is not for everyone. This is America. Racism and prejudice is America's theme. Non-BM are not magical unicorns, they can be DBR's too. It may take years, moving into a new city, total life makeover etc. before you meet a potential partner but if you put in effort, you will reap the rewards. And that works for every aspect of your life. It helps immensely to learn to take things in stride, learn how to play the game and be strategic. Here are a few tips I have:

-don't send out messages. Let the men come to you. Focus on writing a nice profile that doesn't give out too much info about you, having attractive photos that not only show off your face but your fit body in an appropriate way (in a classy cocktail dress or gown, a flowing skirt) and know how to come across as mysterious and not spill the beans.

-don't go back and forth too much. Don't let him make you a message-buddy, a woman he only talks to when he's bored. If he doesn't ask you out within 10 messages, stop responding until he actually asks you out on a real date to a real place, not his couch to watch netflix and "get to know each other", which is code for "find out if you are easy to get into bed" All the women I know who have accepted such dates ended up being seduced Lol.

-don't say anything in your profile that bashes BM, it's unattractive and immature because it shows that you have baggage. Nothing like "I am into interracial dating only so if you aren't  ____ don't bother" or "I'm don't date BM because they think they are better than me" (I've seen this one lol) or anything like that. Just ignore the messages you get from men you aren't interested in and that goes for other things like men of a certain age group, in a certain work field, etc. There are other ways to let men know you are down with the swirl. I personally used to put that I have traveled extensively and am learning multiple languages and would like to meet someone who has is as well. Believe it or not that pretty much narrowed it down to WM and AM who were adventurous, had a degree and were comfortable career-wise (it's probably because you have to be financially stable to travel a lot). Which brings me to my next point:

-the best places to meet men are in places that go with travelling, money, business and science. By that I mean airports, high end lounges in airports or hotels, banks, auctions, science conventions etc. I actually got a part time job while in the military at an airport lounge as a cocktail waitress and I met my ex-bf there. He was a med-school student from the East Coast who was on his way to a residency interview. He gave me his business card and I never called him. He actually came back to the lounge before going home to chat me up. I acted like I never said I would call him, I flirted and smiled, had a fun convo like nothing ever happened. I said I would keep in contact but I didn't because I wanted to see if he was the type of guy to go after what he wanted and I was right. He actually called my job one weekend and asked my manager if he could speak to me! He came back for residency the next fall and we started dating. He ended up being a sweetheart and spoiled me so rotten. It was a nice change from the wanna-be Eminem's I dated in high school! Yep, stay away from the Malibu's Most Wanted types, sistas, they are nothing but immature losers that have absorbed the bad part of Black Culture via disgusting rap music.

-Don't date when you are desperately lonely. I think it's understandable to want some romance in your life but loneliness is easy to spot and can make you a target for users and abusers. Don't respond to online messages during the weekends, that's just telling them that you don't have anything to fill your precious time with. Wait until the weekend is over and respond. Don't apologize and be like :"sorry I was so busy I had to ____ and then I ___" You have nothing to apologize for (you don't owe him anything) and it's none of his business what you did that weekend. If he wanted to know he would ask ;) There are men out there who love lonely women because they are easy to take advantage of sexually, financially and emotionally. These are the type of men who will exploit you emotionally and convince you to do things like put things he wants in your name and mess up your credit LOL It is best to start dating when you already have some things going on such as work, running your business, school, etc. That way, you won't have the time or energy to fret over every little thing. You won't over a text that wasn't responded to right away or feel insecure if he is out getting to know someone else. Confidence will enable you to not care about these things because you will know that you are high quality yourself and if he knows what's good for him he will make an effort to get to know such a creature ;) I also suggest you date more than one guy at once. By dating I mean letting him take you out, getting to know each other by talking on the phone (instead of endless text conversations) or in person. This keeps you from settling with a guy because he was your only option at the time.

-Notice that I didn't say anything about sex? Since you will be getting courted by more than one guy, you shouldn't be having sex until you know who you want to be with exclusively. Now I have brought this up in real life before and it made some women mad. How dare I advise not to sleep with a man soon after meeting him! Why does this upset people so much? I'm not saying there's a timeline to when you should sleep with a guy as everyone has different comfort levels. I'm saying it's not wise to sleep with a man very soon, especially if you are dating more than one (as you should). Us women are emotional creatures and whether we like it or not, sex is more than just sex. We absorb the other person's feelings for us. If you start a sexual relationship with a man right away how do you know that you really want to be with him or if you are just infatuated because he is good in bed? It's best to think logically and make sure that he actually lives up to your standards before you give your body to him. Ideally the man will be looking for a partner/relationship and more than just sex so it won't bug him to actually get to know you first. In fact, you shouldn't be seeing him in places that aren't in public until you know if he is looking for a real relationship with you. Until then keep it PG and do normal things like wine tasting, sight seeing, going to the boardwalk, movies, art exhibits, etc.

Those are just some things that I thought I would share. This post was really random but I see that a lot of BW (at least online) are lost when it comes to the dating world. In a nutshell: toss those rejections aside like they never happened, continue learning about man-women relationship dynamics and improving yourself, research and follow "The Rules" (a book), and don't focus on your failures/bad experiences. Everyone has them and it's best not to showcase your woe-is-me attitude to the world because it is pointless and solves nothing.

Until next time,
xoxo

Some cute things

Here are some cute things that will (hopefully) make you smile and get you in the mood to face tomorrow. Why is monday such a dreaded day? lol

Valentine's day is coming up! I'm excited as I love to celebrate each holiday. I have some ideas for things to do for couples as well as single ladies that I plan to post. I hope you enjoy your week, I have some more posts schedule for next week. Treat yourself well. xoxo

Some harsh truths

I want 2015 to be the year of growth abundance and change for BW. But I've got to be real. There's a lot of whining that goes on in online black women spaces. Now I've experienced some tough times like most BW have. The harassment, bullying, misogynoir (spelling?), and have noticed the anti-bw propaganda in the media. But I have noticed that that's all BW want to focus on. It's to the point where I believe most BW are content with being mules and everyone else's step ladder and want to live dysfunctional lives. I have more hope for the younger generations to come because they are waking up.

1. Not everything is so black and white. Literally. As a BW, the black community isn't your ally and believe it or not the white community isn't as progressive as people claim is to be. Take it from someone who's lived in California, the most "liberal" state of them all, for a while now. Don't be alarmed by this but noone is really in our corner, even fellow BW. Take the BW who shamed accomplished Gabby Douglas for her hair or started a petition for Beyonce to "fix" her daughter's kinks. Upwardly mobile BW only have like minded upwardly mobile BW in our corner. Seek these sisters out and befriend them. You need a network of support. There are people out there of all races that will be good friends, coworkers, business partners and love interests but no one race of people is going to be there for you. Deal with people on a one-on-one basis.

2. No one is going to fix you. Your past and insecurities that keeps creeping up on you is your responsibility to deal with. Do you think that people will treat you better knowing that you have been hurt in the past? Nope. Accept it and take action. Make goals for yourself, seek therapy. Help yourself because noone else will put in the effort to do it.

3. Being a "good person" doesn't earn you brownie points. What goes around doesn't always come back around. You can be the sweetest person ever and still get screwed over. The man who cheated on you with your best friend may not suffer for it. He may even fall in love with her and have a happy marriage with 2.5 kids and a dog. It sucks but it's true. Be a good person for yourself and to spread goodness in this world. Don't expect good things to happen to you just because you followed the 10 commandments.

4. Speaking of religion, be wary. Very wary. We've already established that the black community does not care for BW. Well the church ain't much different. In fact, I would say that Christianity was the worst thing to happen to Black people. Christianity has made blacks complacent in their own demise. "Keep praying and God will make a way". No he won't. You have to make yourself a way. Obtaining the life you want requires a lot of work and effort and when you get to where you want to be you should pat yourself on the back and not thank some imaginary white man in the sky. This may offend you but it's the truth.

5. The past is already written. There's nothing you can do about it unfortunately. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and make an effort to not do it again. Forget about what was done to you but don't forget the way it made you feel. Don't let someone's else's actions towards you determine your self worth. It's hard and may sound nearly impossible but it's necessary for a healthy mind. The messed up things that someone has done to you is a reflection of THEM. I know there are a lot of BW living their lives without confronting the fact that they were molested and/or bullied. You can't change what happened to you but you need to take care of  it or else it will eat you alive. You will be laying awake in bed at night thinking about what happened. You will be walking around with a mean mug and being hypersensitive. You may even develop a hunger for violence to hurt people like they hurt you. That's not the answer. Therapy is. All you can do is move on. Time machines don't exist.

6. No one has all the answers you need. I for sure don't. There is much advice out there for specific things you need but there's no step-by-step guide out there that's going to help you find happiness. Firsthand experience and self reflection will give you all the help you need to grow.

7. Money doesn't solve all problems, just a lot of them. Guess what happened when my income bracket increased? My whole life changed. I had access to better housing, colleges, jobs,  I was less stressed and depressed because I wasn't worried over everything, I started to look better, I was in more beautiful surroundings, and because of all of this I was able to attract higher quality people into my life, including my dear husband and best friends. Living in poverty has been proven to make people develop mental illness. Lavish lifestyles and wealthier people in general are demonized but there's nothing wrong with living in abundance as long as you aren't hurting people to get there.

8. There's nothing you as an individual can do to save the BC nor is there anything you SHOULD do. For decades the effort has been one sided and it ain't working so guess what? Put that effort into saving yourself and the Black woman collective. If BM were real men then they wouldn't need our help! Instead of protesting, picketing, marching and boycotting for a group of men who don't value you, do that for yourself and other BW. Our killers, stalkers, rapists and molesters need to be brought to justice! When you accept this and learn to live your life caping for YOURSELF and not someone who hates you, you will feel a huge burden off your back! Am I saying to write off BM as potential love interests, friends and business partners? Not entirely but you need to realize that they aren't our allies. Deal with people on a one-on-one basis.

9. Black does crack. Just not as much. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. You don't need to be a size 2 and have skin like Chili from TLC. Your body is a temple so treat it as such.

10. Keeping it real isn't always the way to go. Have you seen that skit in Chapelle's Show "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong?" That's how "telling it like it is" goes in real life. It is a stereotype of BW to be loud and sassy and blunt and honestly I have found it to be true. Not all BW but this kind of behavior is glorified in the BC. Don't catch onto it. Be tactful, hold your tongue sometimes and watch your delivery when giving constructive criticism or responding with criticism. 

11. Colorism, featurism and hair texturism were all here before we were. It goes waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back. Think of all those black starlets back in the day. Dorothy Dandridge, Eartha Kitt, Shirley Bassett, Joesphine Baker, all of them are mixed/biracial and I believe that is why they were so famous. Don't get me wrong, I love their work but I know that had they been darker, or had broader features and coarser hair, they wouldn't have been so famous. BM wouldn't have helped get them into Hollywood and society wouldn't have accepted them. Its a harsh truth. Racism is above our heads and while I think we should all do our part by sticking together and protecting one another I know that whining about it does: NOTHING. Instead of whining about Beyonce, Zendaya, Draya Michele and other's being in the spotlight, how about this: Don't support them. Don't give your hard earned money in propping them up. Literally don't support so called BW who show no interest in solidarity. Act like they don't exist and observe how society reacts. It will be interesting. "I'm black enough to play Aaliyah". That's unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated. I wonder if we funded more things like Dr.McStuffins, The Princess and the Frog and other things where the Black girl actually appeared Black, what would society do?

12. Men aren't perfect. Knights in shining armor don't exist. Men aren't princes that come along and save your life. They are great partners and companions and I believe everyone deserves a healthy relationship but if you expect a fairytale relationship then you will be surely disappointed. Disney fooled us all :(

13. There's nothing wrong with marrying up. In fact, I suggest every upwardly mobile BW to do it. It was a standard for my future husband to make six figures and I'm not ashamed of it and refused to let anyone make me feel guilty.

14. Your friends are a reflection of you. The people you surround yourself with make or break you. When I joined the military I was surrounded by people who had drive, integrity and goals they wanted to accomplish. Every single one of those friends is living a functioning life as far as I know. No babydaddy drama, no huge money problems, they travel, they are positive and uplifting. People like this can be found in college, at libraries, at seminars, basically anywhere that promotes growth.

15. You have more control over your life than you think.

16. As an American you are spoiled. Life may be expensive but things like education, employment, freedom of speech, etc are at least attainable and sometimes free :) Take advantage of it because there are millions of people you cannot even drink clean water and are dying from easily curable diseases. It could have been you! So be grateful and take advantage.

Good night.

Learning Confidence: A journey for young black girls

Over the holidays I received an email from the sweetest high school student. She emailed me introducing herself and can I say that I have second-hand pride from the words she wrote!? She's 16, a high school student, also college student and has an interest in raising her self esteem. She has the drive, intelligence and motivation to go very far in life. I love hearing about young black girls who have so much potential!

Anyway, she mentioned being walked on by people, both friends and boys and wants some info on how to raise her self esteem after years of that. I completely understand and I will add that I know how frustrating it is when people tell black women that we need to "get ourselves together" and stop being so insecure", etc. and then say something vague like "if you knew better you do better", "black women STAY losing", etc. This kind of delivery makes the message seem like it's not so much "You need to raise your self esteem" and more "I do not like/value you" and they are trying to justify it by making it your fault. The reason I say that is because when you like/want someone and want to give constructive criticism won't you be respectful, empathetic and kind? It takes more than just "don't talk to people like that" or "like attracts like, so it must be something you're doing that's attracting people like that". (That second statement has some truth to it but I will get into that in another post I have drafted up)

While trying to respond to her I kept thinking back to when I was her age and I had low self esteem and what I did to change it. It took a long time for me to change my way of thinking and IT WILL TAKE YOU SOME TIME AS WELL. Think about it, how did you start to dislike things about you? We aren't born with low self esteem. We aren't born thinking our bodies aren't beautiful or our skin is too dark or our hobbies are meaningless. We were programmed at young ages to dislike ourselves and conform to what the black community wants us to be! Yes, relaxing black girls hair at a young age, the little lightskin/dark skin references, jokes about "african" features all play a part in our perception of what standards we need to hold ourselves to. What kind of community considers light skin, thin nose and light eyes as the standard of beauty when the majority of women don't have those features? A messed up one, that's what!

What is the answer to this programming? Well, it is to deprogram! Yes, 2015 is the year of deprogramming. You didn't develop low self esteem in five easy steps so you can't raise it in five easy steps lol so instead of doing one post on how to be more confident I am going to post about all the things that affect your self esteem and what to do about it.

This entire year is going to be about purging self-depreciating thoughts, bad habits, bad friends, bad men, etc. The goal is for us to be OVER IT. The first step is purging. Don't you routinely go through your fridge, beauty products and purse to get rid of things that are no longer useful or have no purpose to you anymore? Well don't you think it's time to do that to your life!!? To purge is to rid yourself of all things that are dysfunctional and destructive. I want you to do this:

-Go into your iTunes and delete ALL rap and hiphop music. ALL of it!

-Also delete depressing music of all genres. The R&B songs that are begging a lying, cheating man to come back to them, the whining songs about love and just anything that screams "woe is me"

-Go into your facebook and stop following (or unfriend, your choice) people who post things like girl fights, twerking videos, racism statuses, woman-bashing statuses, anti-bw statuses, etc.

-Stay off of sites like nowaygirl, worldstar, basically anything that showcases BW in the worst light

-Distance yourself from people who continue to make bad life decisions. No one is perfect but people who continue to make horrible life decisions need more help than any friend can give (therapy). This sounds mean but I distanced myself from my single mother friends. We are still cool but I got sick of being put down by people who felt like they had the right to say things like "being a single mommy is so hard. You don't know what it's like to struggle. I can't wait until you have kids and you'll be this tired/irritated/depressed. You're lucky". Nooo I'm not lucky, I'm smart. I know how to use birth control. And then turn around and ask me to babysit or lend them money. I may come across elitist sometimes but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just have high standards for myself and don't let people put me down in any way, shape or form and I highly suggest you start practicing this as well. Don't let backhanded compliments slide and don't let people bring you down with them. Don't let your broke friends treat you like an atm. If they need something, take them to the food bank. If they don't have a job, keep an eye out for always put yourselves first. If they really love you AND themselves they will appreciate it in the long run. Trust me.

-Get rid of books written by Steve Harvey or any dating books that aren't written by women

-Get rid of your Tyler Perry Collection

-Get rid of those "ghetto" or "hood literature" books about crime, stripping, drugs, dysfunctional "black love" relationships and/or gold digging (if you want to marry a well-to-do/financially stable man I can post about that, just don't read these ratchet books)

-Cut off toxic people. If you know someone who is always telling you your ideas/opinions are invalid, tries to sabotage you, is not interested in self-improvement at all, distance yourself away. They could be a good person but they don't need to be that close to you because once you accomplish your goals and make more, they will try to guilt you into not accomplishing more. "You're going for another job? There are people out there who need it more than you do! Don't be greedy!", "those degrees won't keep you warm at night, let me hook you up with my cousin ray ray who just got out of jail and needs a woman", "you're standards are too high, no guy will live up to them especially for a black woman. Educated men don't like black women because _____" or anything like that.

-Make a list of the things you like about yourself, pick a cute font and pretty colors and add a background to it. For instance, "I am trustworthy and an awesome friend" over a background of a beautiful beach or a basket of kittens. Tape these papers around your room where you can see them everyday.

-Make a list of things you dislike about yourself and read it out loud. Does it sound harsh? Are you being too hard on yourself? If someone pointed these things out to you, would it hurt your feelings? If yes, then you shouldn't be telling them to yourself :) Rewrite the phrases and come up with a plan. Instead of "I hate my acne and I'm antisocial" write down "I will be more confident with clear skin and a social life". Then think about what you can do to change these things. For instance, you might get rid of your skin care products and do research on ones that will work. Instead of wishing you had more friends, you can actually put in the effort to meet people. Be more talkative in class, join a meet-up group or a book club at your library.

Stay tuned for part 2! Thank you for reading.

xoxo